My concern is with step children that are in their teens and early twenties. How do I connect with them and gain their respect?

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This is a fantastic question. With divorce and other family issues being so prevalent in society today, this type of question will become more and more relevant.

To start off, let’s consider this question: Is there an example of step children in the Bible? The answer is ABSOLUTELY! You and I and everyone that has ever accepted Jesus is a step child. We were born into Adam, born into a family of darkness. But by the work of Jesus, God has adopted us into his family (Ephesians 1:5). So, technically speaking, we are God’s step children. How does God connect with His children? I believe He connects with us the way a natural father connects with his children: by providing for their needs, by spending quality time with them, and most importantly, by loving them.

Any natural parent faces the same questions—how do I connect with my children and gain their respect? But with step children there is another factor which can make it more difficult. However, that does not change the answer: you must love them, spend quality time with them, and provide for their needs, just the same as if they were your biological children.

But there’s also another factor. You must discipline them. Hebrews 12:6 says that God disciplines those He loves, and that He punishes everyone He accepts as a son. But there’s a key point to make here. It’s called a love bank. When you have an account at a bank, you can’t withdraw more than you’ve deposited. If you do, there’s trouble ahead. You must make a deposit before you make a withdrawal. The same is true with people, and therefore with children and step children. Discipline is a withdrawal. So many times we think the way to earn a child’s respect is to be a stern disciplinarian. Parents and step parents need to discipline, but that bank must be filled with love. Spend quality time with them. Give them compliments. Recognize them when they do right; don’t just get onto them when they do wrong. Keep their love bank full, but discipline them when it is called for. Children (and this applies when they are teens and twenties, too) respect people who respect them. When they know you genuinely care, they will respect you, and you will be able to connect with them.

Thanks for the great question.

Robb Yandian
Youth Director