For more information on this topic, check out Bob Yandian’s CD teaching series “Pure Passion” and his popular book on marriage entitled, “One Flesh.”

   Ephesians 5:22 instructs the wife to submit herself to her husband as unto the Lord. This phrase “as unto the Lord” puts limits on what the wife should submit to. If her husband asks her to do something that is blatantly against the Word of God and requiring her to commit sin, to submit to such leading would not be submitting “as” unto the Lord.

   In your question, you said your husband’s decisions are not biblical or “what would be considered right or legal.” I do not know if this refers to the fact that his decisions lead to sin or that his decisions are not wise. Such a distinction is an important one. We may disagree with someone over us because we do not think they have made the best decision, but that decision is not necessarily sinful. We are to follow the leading of those over us even if we do not feel it is the best. You should be able to speak up respectfully and let the one in authority know if you do not think his decision is right. You should have the freedom to respectfully share what you think the right decision is. However, in the end you should follow the direction of those over you. Of course, if that direction leads you to sin against God then you are not to follow that direction.

   The husband is the head in the family and natural affairs of the relationship. As the head of the family, a husband should take the lead in family devotions and prayer, as well as in taking the family to church, but he is not to function as a go-between God and his believing wife. A husband has no right to dictate the spiritual relationship his wife has with God. In the home he is to be the head and the highest in authority under God in the family. A wife submits to her husband when she recognizes this authority structure and arranges herself under it in honor of God.

   God is our head commander and His purposes are carried out through lines of authority and submission. In the natural military if you did not arrange yourself under your commander you are forced to do so. In the Kingdom of God, however, you are never forced to submit. There is no hint of force when it comes to biblical submission. If submission is not freely offered then submission turns into slavery and love is destroyed. No one can or should make you submit to them. Submission is something you choose to do from your own free will and for the purpose of honoring God and His authority. Submission can only truly take place when you have a differing opinion. To follow direction you agree with is simply agreement.

   When the word submit is used it usually has the word “yourself” after it. Again, submission is something you choose to do, not something you are forced to do. Obey is a word frequently confused with submission. The word obey is used in reference to children regarding their relationship with their parents. Obey means “to hearken a spoken command.” Children are to do what they are told. Wives are not instructed to “do what they are told” rather they are admonished by God to submit. This means the wife is to understand the authority of God and the position she plays in that plan. God has placed the husband as the head of the wife, which makes the husband responsible before God for his choices and accountable for the consequences of those choices.

   When you take a submissive role, you humble yourself. The word humble means “to lower”. It does not mean degrade! It means to take the lower position of your own free will. When you submit to authority, God’s blessings will seek to fill up that low place much like water seeks to fill up anything lower than itself. If you refuse to submit to authority then you are raising yourself up and the blessing cannot flow to you anymore because there is no longer any receptacle or low place to fill up. God speaks to those in submission first because God has full control of His authority. All delegated authority is God’s authority. He can give it and take it away. However, God is not in control of your submission. That must be offered freely by you. He deals with people to submit because He knows submission is a key to releasing the flow of blessing downward to the one who has chosen to submit. As gravity pulls water downward, submission draws on and gives place to the blessing of God to flow down to you.

   If your husband is asking you to sin then you should respectfully decline. You must set godly boundaries based upon the Word with him that you will not go beyond. Furthermore, God does not want you to take abuse in the name of submission. If you are suffering abuse then I would suggest you seek a counselor for advice on what to do about it. God does not want you to submit to abuse.

   If, however, someone over you is affecting you by simply making bad decisions—not illegal or immoral decisions—yet you are submitting to their leadership and respecting their role as the leader, your submission puts great pressure on that person above you to change so that the flow of blessing and benefit can go progress unhindered. If you refuse to submit then the pressure is taken off and a situation occurs where both the one in authority and the one who should be in submission are equally out of the will of God. Situations such as this can and will continue indefinitely, many times with no change.

   How can the situation be turned around? God says it starts with submission. If you will lower yourself before God in humility and submit to those under you when you disagree, it will put pressure on those over you to change or be removed. If you maintain a humble and submissive attitude before God, often bosses that mistreat you will be removed if they refuse to change. God is not interested in removing your husband though! God is interested in seeing good changes take place in his heart. As the wife, you are in a powerful position to see change take place in your husband’s life by exercising your submission to God and to him. God will show you the difference between being asked to go against God’s Word or simply being in disagreement with your husband.

God bless you,

Rick McFarland bio
Director/Singles Director
Real Answers bookstore
Grace Church