Selecting a Mate

Selecting a Mate
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Marriages were arranged in Corinth, and often the husband and wife did not love one another. Sex between husband and wife was only to have children. Sex for pleasure was outside the marriage. In fact, sex was a form of worship in Corinth. Frequently, one spouse would get born again while the other did not and they would be in an unequally yoked relationship. What were they supposed to do? Divorce? No, Paul said,“Work it out.”

Paul gives instructions to those contemplating marriage. First Corinthians 7, beginning in verse one says, “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me; it is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise the husband hath not power ofhis own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again. That Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

The Corinthians wrote to Paul because when he started preaching about marriage and fidelity in marriage, it set them back a notch. The man had to go home and take an honest look at that woman he had married. Additionally, those who were dating would have to wait to have sex. In the first couple of verses Paul is speaking to those who are dating and to those who are contemplating marriage.

Notice again verse one says, “Concerning the things about which ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” This verse actually says in the Greek, “It is not good for a man to kindle a flame in a woman.” This does not mean you cannot touch. I am not going to tell you where to draw the line in dating. You have the Holy Spirit living on the inside of you. You know the Word of God and therefore, you should communicate with God on this issue and communicate with each other. One guideline God does set is not to kindle a flame between each other. It does not take much to arouse a man. Sight will arouse a man. A woman is different. She can be aroused over a period of time. This is telling men not to work on a woman and bring her to a point of kindling a flame. Stop before you get there. Draw boundaries and stick with them.

Women, do not yield to a man because of pressure and thinking you are going to lose him. If all he does is pressure you to have sex with him, he does not love you, he loves sex and you are better off without him in the first place. Keep yourself for the time when you get married and he will respect you for it always.

Again, this verse says it is not good for a man to kindle a flame in a woman. Proverbs chapter 6, verses 27 and 28 also brings this out. They say, “Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?” Do not play with fire. Stop it before it gets there and reserve it for the day God has prepared – that is, for marriage. After marriage it is fine.

Verse 2 says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication,let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” You belong to each other. My wife is my possession. Marriage is a type of the new birth and in the new birth you are not your own. You have been bought with a price. Therefore, you are to glorify God in your body and your spirit. In marriage you have been bought with a price and the price is consecration to each other. You do not have the right to turn your body over to someone else. Your body belongs to your mate.

Verse 2 is also a direction the other way. If you have been dating for a long time, it will be more difficult not to kindle a flame. Paul says, “Get married to avoid fornication, let every woman have her own husband and every husband have his own wife.” I want to give some guidelines for selecting a mate. The strongest point mentioned in the Word of God is that a believer is not to marry an unbeliever. This is brought out in 1 Corinthians 9:5. Paul says, in essence, that a wife is to be a sister, that is, a believer. Also, in 1 Corinthians 6:14-18 the Word says not to be unequally yoked. I am going to add one more point. I believe you should marry a Spirit-filled believer. If they will not get Spirit-filled while you are dating, do not count on it after. I do not believe two people will ever agree on all doctrines and teachings, but you should line up by being born-again and also by being Spirit-filled. The doorway into the supernatural is the infilling of the Holy Spirit.

Number two: Do not marry in your teens. There is nothing wrong in waiting. The more maturity you have the better. Girls, at 22 you are not an old maid. Guys, at 22 or 24 you have not passed your prime. Do not be in a rush to get married. There are lots of things you can do when you are a teenager that are much more difficult to do after you are married.

Number three: Do not marry in a wave of libido – that is, sexual desires. Sexual desires come. It is part of growing up – part of puberty. Your body goes through changes and intense desire comes on you. Ride it out. Do not get married for sex. Sex is not marriage. Sex is not love. Sex is a product of love. You find happiness through love and sex is merely an expression of it.

Number four: Do not marry to solve your problems. You will exchange one set for another. Concerning the fact you think you are getting too old, some of the best marriages are those that waited and got married in their thirties. Jesus was doing fine at 33 and still was not married. Do not let the problem of getting older push you into marriage.

Number five: Do not marry to make yourself happy. Get happy now. Find contentment now and bring someone into that happiness and contentment. Many times singles look at the married and say, “Oh they are so happy!” They do not know that many married couples are looking at them and saying, “Oh they are so happy!” Again, happiness does not come because of a condition or because of circumstances. Happiness comes from the inside of you. Paul says, “I have learned, in whatever state I am, therewith to be content.” (Philippians 4:11) While you are looking for a person to marry to make you happy, you are trying to draw from them and make them give to you. If you are happy, you are looking for a relationship in which you can give to somebody to enhance their happiness.

Number six: Do not marry a status symbol – someone who has lots of money or a good job. Some of the most miserable people are wealthy. Do not wait for money to be content. Get content now and it will be better when the money comes.

Number seven: Do not marry an image – head cheerleader – the football captain – someone you look up to because of the position. Do not marry for looks. Be led by your spirit and take time to know what you are doing.

Finally, number eight: Do not marry someone who associates you with impossible standards. If she cannot accept your failures, she cannot accept you. If he cannot accept your faults, he cannot accept you. This person is looking for someone perfect because they know something is wrong with them. They are not looking at how they can contribute to a marriage. They are only looking at how they can take. It will not work.

What should a man know in looking for a mate? First Peter 3:7 says a man is supposed to dwell with a woman according to knowledge. That is not so much knowledge of the Word rather, it means knowledge of a woman – finding out what makes a woman tick and once you find this out you will be able to dwell with her.

Ephesians 5, beginning in verse 22 says, “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

Notice verse 22, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands” and verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church.”

If you read these verses in order as they appear, it seems wives are supposed to submit to the husbands first, then the husbands are supposed to love the wives.

How is the husband supposed to love the wife? Verse 25 says “...Love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Did we submit to the Lord first, or did He love us and die for us first? Jesus loved us and died for us first. The husband is to love the wife first and then she is to submit to that love. In other words, if he does not love her first, she has nothing to submit to.

The reason I love the Lord is because He first loved me. My love is submissive to His love. A woman is a responder and a man is an aggressor. Most of the responsibility in the marriage lies with the man. He is to be aggressive in everything, not only in making love, but in providing love, caring for the wife, appreciating the wife, protecting the wife, and providing for the wife. Therefore, she is free to submit or respond to his love.

Secondly men, no normal woman wants to dominate her husband in marriage. The reason many wives try to dominate in a marriage is they are screaming out to be led. That is why they put up such a fuss. They want to know where the boundaries are. A woman is designed to respond to her husband. A husband is designed by God to accept responsibility and lay down guidelines in a loving fashion. When women do dominate in a marriage, it is because they have a weak husband who will not stand up and take responsibility.

Third, love is not sex. We mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Love will bring sex. Sex is an expression of love. Dating is not to win her body; it is to win her soul, emotions, and her affections. You do not stop winning her soul. Dating does not stop when you get married. In fact, it just intensifies and intensifies because you do not build your marriage on sex; you build your marriage on love. Through the years sex will get more infrequent but love should get stronger and stronger. The best years of marriage should be the latter years. When sex runs out of gas, love does not.

Finally men, sex does not bring happiness. Get happy before you have sex. Do not look for sex to make you happy. Marry because you are in love with the woman, not because you are involved with sex.

Bob Yandian

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